All My Life I Wasn't Trying To Get On The Highway; I Was Wondering Which Way To Go.

I was re-reading an old post from a year and half ago this morning... It's pretty incredible how much can change over time. At the time of the original post, I was starting to see my outfits promoted through channels which were fat-positive and more focused on fat bodies, and I think I hit the panic button. I wasn't used to reading blogs like that, and I was freaking out... I thought to myself: "Does the world think I am fat? Is that all that they see?"

When I began reading the comments, it was amazing to see the discourse the post spurred. I was more insecure in my identity at the time, and it felt like a personal attack. I couldn't fathom being called "fat" after working for years to mend the pain and self-doubt that had been caused by that word. It was really scary and new, and my reaction was to publicly state my fears (or at least try). Was that messed up? Yes, of course it was. But mistakes are an inevitably of being a silly mortal. Now I revel in the fact that I'm able to be a "unconventional" representation of personal style in both mainstream and alternative avenues (Tumbl-o-sphere, I'm looking at you). I'm loving the communities I get to be a part of.

Not to say that I am in a perfect mental state at the moment, but the past month has been very introspective for me. I was feeling quite blue this past spring, and even into summer, just confused, discouraged and lost. At the risk of sounding like a corny sap (which I kind of am anyways...so not exactly inaccurate), I think that am really starting to settle into my own skin. I'm finally relaxing. My identity is not just a singular, it's not just one thing, or a even a binary. Yes, I am a woman, one who is young and African-Canadian. Yep, I'm a blogger, and have spent large quantities of the past 5.5 years awkwardly figuring out my shit via the internet. Oh, and I'm a chubster too. I would even say that I am fat. And that's quite alright with me. I'm realizing that many of adjectives that I associate with myself (femme, feminist, body positive, beautiful, black, vintage lover, sarcastic, funny, loud, cheesy, singer, passionate, caring, loyal...the list goes on) are not the only things that define me. They aren't the sole source of my value. Sometimes elements of my personality and self are at odds with each other, but complexity and paradox are some of the most beautiful things about being human. I'm getting used to the fact that I will always be flawed. Go figure...only took 24 years to get here!

I've come the conclusion that I feel best about myself when I am able to balance my creative expression with time spent with people who love and support me. So that's what I am working on now: creative work that makes me proud, and surrounding myself with people who are open minded and support me.

On a related note, these minor epiphanies are part of why I decided to finally get my septum done. I've wanted the piercing for about 3 years, but for various reasons (including rules against facial piercing at my former workplace) I didn't actually follow through with it until now. Of course the piercing is largely an aesthetic choice; I love the way it looks, and I seldom wear jewelry. I think it adds visual interest without overwhelming me or having to put thought into it when I'm getting dressed. An easy way to adorn myself. But it is also serving as an outward signifier of significant change within myself, which is pretty rad.

This post may just end up sounding like a convulted, corny and confusing journal entry, but I'm okay with that. Just wanted to keep y'all in the loop.

the photo is from my instagram.

Beach Babe.

In the spirit of the body positive blogs and the like I've been getting into lately, I really wanted to do a beach post. I don't know if I've ever posted a picture of me in a bathing suit. I definitely know that this was the first time I felt completely at ease in a beach/swimming/scantily-clad-in-public situation. This was aided largely by a lovely vintage bathing suit (possibly late 50s-60s, tag says made in Canada so I figure it's fairly old) which I picked up for $5 when True Value Vintage was shutting down. I usually have trouble finding swimwear which is supportive, comfortable and aesthetically pleasing. This shape is much better suited to the nature of my curves than most modern suits. I definitely felt like a beach babe!

Kate and I hit up Kitsilano yesterday for a very relaxing afternoon (with a Museum of Vancouver interlude). For whatever reason, it rarely crosses my mind to venture to the beach. Clearly, I have been missing out. Lush greenery and the ocean, even at 7 PM, the seaside was balmy. This is precisely what summer is made for!

EDIT: This helped me along in getting over "perfect" beach body fear. Since it raises a very valid point (and a hilarious one at that).

Thrifted skirt, belt | True Value Vintage swimsuit

Ting Tings concert tee | Gap Panama hat | Vintage Shoe Love sandals

Fat, Part II.

First of all, I would like to thank all of you for the wonderful, thoughtful, intelligent and insightful responses to my last post. It's something that has been bothering me for quite some time, and I wasn't sure how to address it.

Although I don't think I would take back what I said, some excellent points have been made about perhaps being a little more sensitive towards/less defensive about the word fat. I think that you guys are right. Thinking about it, I find myself feeling like I am not quite to the point where I can accept/not be offended by that word specifically. I didn't mean for the post to come across as me bragging or disregarding those who are larger/fatter/curvier/whatever-er than me, because I am in awe of the multitude of stylish women who have far less options than I do. For that, I apologize. It was not my intent, and I do appreciate when people ask for my advice on where to shop. It's enormously flattering that anyone would care about my opinion on something as personal as style. Also, as Kirsty Lou pointed out, it is a privilege that I can shop in straight sized stores, one that I shouldn't take lightly.

I still have a lot of growing to do as far as my body image and sense of self, and I think that's all a part of the age that I am at. At 22, I feel far more confident and self assured than say, my 16 year old self. But I do have my moments of discouragement and self doubt. I would like to believe that will lessen over time, as it has been since adolescence.

I would love to hear more about your opinions on this topic, let me know in the comments here or on the original post. I'm blessed to have intellectual and opinionated readers, I ♥ you!

Fat.

I have an admission to make: I don't think that I am "fat".

Yes, I know that I am a larger, curvier woman, but when I see references to me as "plus sized" or "fat", I cring. Perhaps I am giving too much power to the word itself, as it is, after all, just a word. I have an extremely negative association with the word "fat" specifically,  it reminds me of when I had a deeply negative self image. Back then, my inner dialogue consisted of "You are so fat, it is disgusting. How can you even eat?" etc. Granted, I very seldom have those thoughts nowadays, but the sting of what constantly ran in my mind still remains.

But I do think there is something to be said for publications and media outlets which choose to tout the fact that you can be "plus sized AND stylish" as though the two are mutually exclusive. Personal style has nothing to do with size or ethnicity or wealth. Just as it is kind of offensive when someone proclaims how amazing it is it that a black girl has style, it's equally insulting to be referred to as a curvy girl with personal style. Yes, you can live on a small budget, be a visible minority, not be a size 0 AND, heaven forbid, actually look pretty cute most days.

I think another reason I tend to recoil from the title "fat fashion" or "plus sized" is the fact that I don't shop at plus sized stores or even wear plus sized clothes. (DISCLAIMER: I love my plus sized ladies, since all sizes are frickin' beautiful) As Kaelah pointed out, it's a little hard to be referred to as plus sized/get asked about plus sized clothing when I don't really don't have much knowledge about it. I feel taken aback, mostly because it is a strange feeling to labeled as something that you are not. I usually wear a size 12-16, or a large or x-large, and still shop in "straight" sized stores. It's can be difficult to find great places to shop when you aren't straight sized (I've heard really awesome things about ASOS Curve), but sometimes I'm at a loss when asked for advice.

Essentially, what I'm getting at is: it's really lovely to see the fashion community finally accepting more diversity, but I would appreciate less focus on size and labeling. and more focus on quality, creativity, and personality. I feel that labelling only creates divisions and separation, when the whole joy of being in a community is togetherness and solidarity of common interest. What got me started on this topic was a BUST article, and since then I've come across several which address similar topics. Check out Kirsty Lou's post, as well as Erin's post for a little more insight.

What do you guys think? Is there too much focus on labeling what a person is, or isn't? Or is it not a big deal?

Just as a sidenote: some readers have been asking for curvier bloggers out there, here are a few of my current favorites!

Fatty Unbound, Nicolette Mason, Fashion Haley, Curious Fancy, GabiFresh, Elsa Bilgren, Here's Looking At Me, Kid and Big Hips, Red Lips

illustration: tumblr (sorry don't remember quite where!)

EDIT: In regards to anon comment about "losing weight": I realize that yes, technically, I am overweight for my height. But there is something to be said for allowing others to be however thin or large they want to be, as long as they are happy.