Friday, October 25, 2013

All My Life I Wasn't Trying To Get On The Highway; I Was Wondering Which Way To Go.

I was re-reading an old post from a year and half ago this morning... It's pretty incredible how much can change over time. At the time of the original post, I was starting to see my outfits promoted through channels which were fat-positive and more focused on fat bodies, and I think I hit the panic button. I wasn't used to reading blogs like that, and I was freaking out... I thought to myself: "Does the world think I am fat? Is that all that they see?"

When I began reading the comments, it was amazing to see the discourse the post spurred. I was more insecure in my identity at the time, and it felt like a personal attack. I couldn't fathom being called "fat" after working for years to mend the pain and self-doubt that had been caused by that word. It was really scary and new, and my reaction was to publicly state my fears (or at least try). Was that messed up? Yes, of course it was. But mistakes are an inevitably of being a silly mortal. Now I revel in the fact that I'm able to be a "unconventional" representation of personal style in both mainstream and alternative avenues (Tumbl-o-sphere, I'm looking at you). I'm loving the communities I get to be a part of.

Not to say that I am in a perfect mental state at the moment, but the past month has been very introspective for me. I was feeling quite blue this past spring, and even into summer, just confused, discouraged and lost. At the risk of sounding like a corny sap (which I kind of am anyways...so not exactly inaccurate), I think that am really starting to settle into my own skin. I'm finally relaxing. My identity is not just a singular, it's not just one thing, or a even a binary. Yes, I am a woman, one who is young and African-Canadian. Yep, I'm a blogger, and have spent large quantities of the past 5.5 years awkwardly figuring out my shit via the internet. Oh, and I'm a chubster too. I would even say that I am fat. And that's quite alright with me. I'm realizing that many of adjectives that I associate with myself (femme, feminist, body positive, beautiful, black, vintage lover, sarcastic, funny, loud, cheesy, singer, passionate, caring, loyal...the list goes on) are not the only things that define me. They aren't the sole source of my value. Sometimes elements of my personality and self are at odds with each other, but complexity and paradox are some of the most beautiful things about being human. I'm getting used to the fact that I will always be flawed. Go figure...only took 24 years to get here!

I've come the conclusion that I feel best about myself when I am able to balance my creative expression with time spent with people who love and support me. So that's what I am working on now: creative work that makes me proud, and surrounding myself with people who are open minded and support me.

On a related note, these minor epiphanies are part of why I decided to finally get my septum done. I've wanted the piercing for about 3 years, but for various reasons (including rules against facial piercing at my former workplace) I didn't actually follow through with it until now. Of course the piercing is largely an aesthetic choice; I love the way it looks, and I seldom wear jewelry. I think it adds visual interest without overwhelming me or having to put thought into it when I'm getting dressed. An easy way to adorn myself. But it is also serving as an outward signifier of significant change within myself, which is pretty rad.

This post may just end up sounding like a convulted, corny and confusing journal entry, but I'm okay with that. Just wanted to keep y'all in the loop.

the photo is from my instagram.

13 comments:

Christina Martinez said...

I love it! I've been debating about getting a nose /septum piercing for so long! But I have huge pores and sometimes I wonder if drawing attention to my nose would just make me more uncomfortable... er... not to mention I'm freaked out of giant needles.

Celia Edell said...

you are truly beautiful inside and out!!

Zoƫ Biggs said...

I freaking love you girl.

Nomali said...

Good for you. This is a wonderful post and I think I kinda love you. The one thing about documenting ourselves [feelings, fears, doubts and triumphs] is that the growth/change is always a click away.

A septum is on my list of things to one day get for myself.

x Nomali

Rose said...

Loved this post. Seriously though, it's important for the self-realization to happen while understanding that not all has to be figured out. Also, love the septum piercing!


-Rose

Raquel Desautels said...

I have my septum pierced and the pain is literally nonexistant (sp?) if that's the part that scares you about needles!

Georgia said...

This is an amazing post and pretty much sums up why I love your blog so much - the critical thinking that goes hand in hand with your style is really great. I have gained a lot of weight over the last several years and being fatter than ever is definitely an important part of my identity. The comments and attention I have received in different ways, both when I was thin and now, have definitely given me a lot of perspective and contributed to my identity. I also recently got my nose pierced - something I've wanted to do since I was 21 but was worried it would draw attention to my big, wonky nose. Well it DOES draw attention to my big, wonky nose, but that nose is an important part of my face and it isn't any less valid as part of who I am because it doesn't adhere to a dumb, arbitrary beauty standard. No regrets.

Georgia said...

I got my nose pierced two weeks ago. I also have huge pores, not to mention a large and wonky and generally funny-looking nose, but I sort of love the attention it draws to it. It's like a big fuck you to everyone who's ever made fun of my face.

Nia said...

I just...I like lurking your blog, but I rarely if ever comment, but you are just so COOL. Maybe you don't see yourself this way, but everytime I see a picture of you, you just look so at ease. Of course I love your dress sense (and not because of your size), but you seem to carry yourself in a confident way that makes the clothes look even better! And idkyou'reawesomesaucethispostisthebest.

lokello said...

You can't really see the needle when they put it in because it is out of your eye line...and in your nose. It hurt so much LESS than I thought it would, so easy! You would look great with one.

Robin said...

self acceptance is always sexy I've been having alot of self doubts lately and your post really inspired me!

rachel // mousevox said...

Self acceptance is so beautiful and your confidence always shines through in your posts and photos. That said, it does kind of bother me that women are given labels like fat, skinny, plus sized, real (come on, all women are real) in the media and that any body type would ever be dismissed as being something to be inspired by. When I look at you, I don't see a "fat" person, I see someone whose style I admire. Inspiration should come from everywhere!

ju said...

You are so inspiring. I like to think that everyone looks different, not better or worse. If only there were more people like you who were so open and accepting.
ps. i too have wanted to get a septum for the longest time! maybe I will :)

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails