image from here
[preface: I am aware this is a personal style blog, but my heart has been heavy. So I'll diverge from my typical content today.]
I can't sleep.
I have been having issues getting a night's rest. Tossing, turning, never fully reaching a sound slumber. Waking up feeling restless and exhausted. This is not mere coincidence.
In the past week I have devoured more written media than ever, save for exam weeks in school. Articles, poems, tumblr posts, think pieces, evidence, police reports, court documents. I have cried, I have wept, I have been furious and devastated. I've been thinking. A lot.
I am overcome. Overcome with grief, overcome with confusion and pain and frustration. Overcome with the sense that the body I was born into, the body that allows me to type this right now, is a body that little to no value to many, so many more than I believed.
How can I sit idle? How can I simply watch as black bodies are murdered regularly with little to no consequence? How can I pretend that I am not terrified in a world that allows a 12 year old boy be shot and killed in a matter of seconds, in order to "serve and protect"? A world where a young woman is beaten within a inch of her life (and later died) simply because she chose to defend humans under attack? These are not isolated incidents, simply recent ones.
I'm wrestling with how to reconcile all of this. After all, injustice is not a new concept on planet Earth. Violence has existed as long as we have, if not longer. Humans have bludgeoned one another for power for centuries; be it political, property, monetary or other powers that be. This is not a new tactic. However, I simply cannot wrap my mind around the vile, ignorant hatred that runs so deep within our societies, a hatred which determines who lives and who does not. A hatred which is based not in actions but in genetic factors, predetermined in the womb.
If hatred is ever present, and governing powers are guided and funded by said hatred and corruption, is there even a point? If Goliath wants to see my dead body in the streets, why even try?
To be honest, my only solace is the belief that humans are inherently good. This belief is a reflection of the joys and happiness that have been present in my short life. In the shared laughter, kind actions and enriching connections that I have been blessed to experience. Not every human is afforded this grace, but I have been. This belief does not help me sleep at night, but it does help me get up in the morning. And for that reason, I refuse to be silent.